It's been more than a week since I last spoke to mum over the phone. In that last phone call, she was expressing how she was so tired from helping her friend cater for something like 200 people in three nights, and I was telling her about how I've been really busy with school. I was telling her about how I keep things to the last minute and I was pretty much rambling as I do when I'm stressed out, and she stopped me and said, "Look Rae, I'm sorry but I just don't want to listen to this right now. I'm just really tired and I just want to rest..." I felt so, I don't know, rejected, unloved, irrelevant - so I quickly said goodbye and hung up. That was the last time I spoke to her on the phone. I said to myself right then, with tears tracing the outline of my cheeks, that I would never call her again.

One week has gone by, and I've sent a couple of smses to her, including a quick hello over MSN. I still want to talk to her though - tell her all about my week; how my History presentation and Biology prac test went; my soccer matches; what's up at school. Stuff like that. But I fear that I'll be put down again. Silly, I know.

I've been trying to study hard for Japanese this weekend, in prep for tomorrow's assessment task. It's been difficult. I just can't go through more than an hour straight doing Japanese revision. And the worst thing about this is that competition is driving me. There's this girl in my class who I absolutely disagree with in terms of the way she studies. I believe that success comes from a balance of hardwork and fun. It can't just be study study study and no fun inbetween, if you know what I mean. I had a good think about it, and noticed that this other girl didn't really have any close friends in the boarding house - let alone, the school. I wondered, is it her choice or did it just happen that way, and that's why she has so much time to concentrate on studies and less (maybe even none) focus on a social life? I can't go through one weekend without contact with friends. I just can't.

I've been so focused on trying to "beat" her on the ranks in class, that it has driven me into a very bad habit. But I realised this, while studying today - I will never be able to pass her this way. Not this way. It's possible, to pass someone's rank without hardcore persistence in studies and lack of a social life. And here, I found that I'll never pass her because I'm not like her. I used to think that I could be someone like her, but it's just impossible. This is why I want to prove to myself, that hardwork and a healthy social life trumps her study-through-the-wee-hours-of-the-night and no-friends-no-fun-school-life method.

Let's hope I pull tomorrow off. Ganbatte, onegai!

Cheers.

PS. Met Ew-Jun yesterday afternoon. We both walked from one end of the city (Central station) to the other (The Rocks) and back. It was great catching up :P and exploring the city together.

PPS. Lost this weekend's soccer match 1-0, but we're somehow still in the semi-finals. I semi dived yesterday, trying to grab hold of the ball, which I sorta did but this girl came up me and tried to kick it out of my arms. I had no idea what was happening (although she was supposed to get a yellow card and all I got was a free kick) but from what I heard after that, as many around me said, "OHMYGOD DID YOU SEE THAT GIRL KICKING RAE? SHE WAS ALL OVER HER, OHMYGOD!" I didn't actually feel anything. Heh.

& turned on the lights; 19:44